I found a website for one of those professional organizing people - if you have money but no style, and you live in BC's Lower Mainland, she might be a place to turn to.
Meanwhile a computer scientist with knowledge of statistics posted an article called "Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend".
It's perfectly thorough and vividly depressing. I don't know about his two standard deviation requirement for beauty, though. That's the beauty equivalent of saying you're only interested in conversing with people with IQs greater than 120. Surely there are more eligible candidates for this guy than that, unless he's not a computer scientist and is actually the guy in the Old Spice commercials.
Urban Dictionary has an entry for the Avenue Q concept of the "girlfriend" who lives in Canada. (Lyrics* here - they're raunchy and probably NSFW.) I've used similar lies in grades 7-10 when I was going to school outside Halifax, and the "girlfriend" lived in PEI. Actually, she still does.
* - There are oodles of lyrics websites that attempt to load spyware on your computer. Part of it has to do with the copyrighted nature of most song lyrics - the sites are clandestine by necessity. Except LyricWiki - they have an official agreement with Gracenote, and they don't try to do funny things to your computer. I recommend LyricWiki for all your lyrics needs and I hope I haven't steered anyone into a spyware trap with my lyrics links in the past. (When I have to use a short URL for lyrics in the future, it will be for LyricWiki lyrics or for another site that I know to be safe.)
Finally, I found the Girlfriend Keeper iApp. Very funny**, though this doesn't address my needs - I'm trying to find one before I have to worry about "keeping" one. I also don't own any iOS devices - maybe I should change this, because iPhone users have more sex (source). I don't even really know what "colour" my own eyes are - it'd be nice if I were issued some kind of RGB or hexadecimal value or something, and I could print it on a card and present it when asked. Oh, and I have a cousin that's getting married on her birthday (this wasn't the planning intent, it just came out that way) - I pity the boyfriend already for the inevitable year he forgets that date!
** - It's okay to laugh, but we have to realize that the notion that "all girls care obsessively about being contacted frequently and about all the important dates in the relationship" is only cultural bullshit.
Anyway, I think my hopes lie in 1) working out and 2) increasing my socio-economic status. #1 will be hard if I don't live in town since I burn up so many hours each day commuting. Last year I drove but I had so much homework and so many lectures and labs that I felt like I couldn't spare the time. Next year, I told myself, I'd live in residence and so would be able to whip myself into shape. But now that is very likely not to happen, maybe even by choice. But I did work out last summer - in fact, I did so on my own dime and without a car. Until pre-calculus came along and started kicking my ass, that is. Then I spent my afternoons in the math resource room.
I feel like I'm getting old before my time. I'm full of regret and rage. I guess I was such a narcissist back in the day that I didn't think that I've have to think much about how I was going to live my life and what I'd need to do to make sure I end up somewhere I want to be. Nobody really reached out to help me, but I wasn't exactly reaching out for help, either. Now I'm 28 and I have no money, no status, only one year of science education, a useless English degree (if I could trade it in for the cash equivalent, I would), and it's going to be three more long years before what I'm doing becomes a quasi-paying gig. This sucks.