William Matheson (nova_one) wrote,
William Matheson


It's getting so that I must freely admit that I may not major in astrophysics. (I'm declared, but it's mostly just for the status of being declared. It's kind of like becoming a home owner with $1,000 down and a 120-year mortgage.)

I was full of hot air last summer* and didn't know what I was getting myself into. I've succeeded in learning some things, and I lead a richer life because I know how to think a little bit. I may not get a science degree, but I will have my priorities more harmoniously oriented.

* - Please note that I'm a smug, stubborn, recalcitrant fool and probably always full of hot air. ;-)

I really do want to learn this stuff, though. I'm just annoyed that there's seemingly so much drudgery (and only occasional glimpses of virgin understanding) between where I am and where I want to be. And so so much time and money. I really don't know what to do now. I don't really understand what I have to lose and what I have to gain. I want to be happy and for me that means having love and respect and the narcissist in me thinks I deserve that already, and by default.

I'm just a loud, brash, ignorant monster. Perhaps I am not so special in this. ;-) I don't want to be a public school teacher - for me it would be tantamount to giving up, to having to deal with all the crap that goes along with being in The System. Even as I write this, I can see how this statement could be construed as being profoundly ignorant. But because of the shit I had to go through, I want nothing to do with the system and, outside of high school which I admit to be a necessary evil, hold it profoundly in biased, bitter contempt. Maybe, maybe this feeling will wear away with time.

I need to have a good long think about this, but it'll have to be on the go. "Did you know that you can't steer a boat that isn't moving? Just like a life." (P. Lutus)

I wonder what would happen if I said nothing tomorrow? No jokes, no puns, no pronouncements. I feel like I'm being torn in two. I can't resist making a spectacle of myself - I have a persistent, gnawing, all-consuming craving for attention - and then I complain when people say / think I'm a fool or a jerk. (And here's the worst part - sometimes they're right!) I mean, nobody kicks a dead dog, but perhaps I could stand to bark a little less and a little less noisily. I dunno. Thoughts?

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