December 18th, 2006


Top 32 Signs You Might Be Will Matheson - OLD JUNK ALERT

I found this tonight while cleaning my room. I think I’ll share it with everyone, but please keep in mind that I wrote it a few years ago, definitely before I was whisked off to Eastern Europe and grew a mature personality.

If you think some of these are selfish, small, and harsh, you should see the ones I’m leaving off! =) But I’m keeping a few of the worst, provided that they’re funny. And I’ve added one or two more, but this list is largely obsolete. I’m glad a lot of it isn’t true anymore; for instance, it’s been a few years since anyone has done the honking-screaming thing – this is because they’ve forgotten about me, allowing me the luxury of forgetting about them.

Top 32 Signs You Might Be Will Matheson

  1. You’ve seen 2,800 girls pass through your high school, who all know your name.
  2. 0 will date you.
  3. Not even the ugly ones.
  4. Okay, one did date you, but after a few days she went back to and married her ex-boyfriend.
  5. You’re a Returning Grad with High Honours.
  6. People ask for your hidden motive when you want to hang out with them.
  7. People whom you’ve never met don’t use your last name when they talk about you.
  8. Everything you do in school is Front Page News. “OMG, Will passed my classroom today!”
  9. Your driveway is a billion kilometres long.
  10. People honk at you as they drive by.
  11. This would be okay on its own, but they are often screaming and throwing things at you.
  12. Your closest friends tell you that you have the maturity of a three-year-old.
  13. You’re a half-member of virtually every clique, but accepted in none.
  14. Your principal tries to prevent you from obtaining said High Honours certificate by making up new “rules” on the fly.
  15. People interpret a link to your “non-existent hit list” as a legitimate web page error.
  16. This misunderstanding almost gets you arrested.
  17. Teachers physically block the doorway to their class and say that you failed the prerequisite course and therefore can’t come in.
  18. You cash in on your infamy with an 80-minute movie.
  19. You’re invited to parties under the conditions that you don’t scare the girls and that you leave at 10pm.
  20. Thankfully, the hosts quickly change their minds about you, and you stay until 3.
  21. You change the “P-A-R-T-Y Hard At S-M-U” chant to “S-T-U-D-Y Hard.”
  22. Four years later, it’s still on the go.
  23. Your principal successfully prevents you from receiving a course award in a subject when you get a 99.
  24. You fail Math X three times and get a Trucker Math credit.
  25. You fail English X twice; take English XII three times, and like English so much you major in it.
  26. You get a 100 for a term of Math XII, but it’s Arts Math.
  27. People wonder why you’re in first-year Computer Science, as “you teach this class.”
  28. Nevertheless, they still despise you.
  29. Your part in the dinner theatre gets you a glowing review of in the student newspaper.
  30. Nevertheless, your co-actors still hate you.*
  31. You’re a member of a civic committee on watershed management, yet people working at McDonald’s say you’ve broken into school in the summertime to write a death list on the chalkboards.
  32. However, you are responsible for promoting National Skip Day on said chalkboards, at least at the ends of semesters.

After that it gets truly ugly. I think I was pretty upset the night that I wrote it, and I can’t really remember why. What’s sad is how one item naturally led to another. We can all drive ourselves crazy with this sort of thing if we’re not otherwise occupied. This particular self-whipping outburst is enough to justify the very complaints about me that got me upset, if you follow my circular reasoning. =)

G*d, my website was horrid in high school. I can’t believe some of the junky stuff that I wrote on there. There were many many times I said way too much, utterly betraying my inner idiot. Fff… I should go back and change stuff, but the chances of people inadvertently stumbling in decrease every year.

* - Not all of them! And most were pretty cool. As usual, I'm being selectively objective for the purpose of 'comedy.' But there were a few "I was only nice to you because [the director] told me I had to, you drive me insane," etc.. Wow, what a valuable lesson for me in "how NOT to win friends and influence people." I like to think I do a little better now. Oh, it makes me laugh to look back on how poorly I handled some people, and how poorly some responded.

This whole experience of cleaning my room is kind of like time travel.