Je suis perdu.
I think I got a call from my “ex”* last night, but I don’t know for sure. My phone rang at 2am, and I picked it up, but in my stupor I thought it was my alarm. Only when the phone rang again did I see it was she. I had to let it go to VMS, as I’m not permitted to use my phone in my room. Anyway, it was a really bizarre moment, and I guess I should call her back but I just can’t give in like that. If it were another time or place it wouldn’t be an issue, but with less than two weeks to go in the program I’m going to be pretty choosy about who I have my first phone conversation with. I know who I want to talk to about things, and with all due respect to my “ex,” it just can’t be her, as she herself was a small part of my variegated nuage of problems. =)
* - The quotes are there to emphasise the “never were” more than the more common reality of “still are.” Actually, the latter caused the former.
Problems? Well, I don’t have any serious problems. My only problem tonight is that feeling you get when you think you’ve got really great news but then someone else reminds you of certain quid pro quos vous oubliez. It’s a bit of a downer; I’ve been personally asked by a program coordinator to apply for a teaching internship in Japan, which pays $1,200 a month after taxes and housing (and airfare is paid). It doesn’t sound like a way to make money, and I’d probably be too exhausted to tutor on the side (not to mention that it’s almost certainly illegal anyway), so the answer is, “I don’t know.” I mean, I don’t even know if I should apply now – someone I live with here says she made $2,000 a month in Korea after housing (taxes? I should ask her…) (and airfare – LOL, I keep typing “airfaire” – was paid).
But I saved almost $5K in four months at Teletech talking to cellular customers that Sprint couldn’t be bothered to deal with themselves. I’m not going back there for all the tea in China, but I’d like my next job to be at least wage-competitive, even if it comes with the educational benefits of working in a foreign country. What do you guys think? It would be of tremendous personal benefit to learn Japanese, although I feel a bit guilty for giving Ukrainian such short shrift and I wonder if an internship in Japan would be somewhat like an internship in Ukraine. And one thing more; I’m getting too old for internships. I’ve had a year of them already, and I’m 25.
Am I worried? What am I worried about? I need to sit down and have a long think. Basically, here is what I want to do, in a nutshell:
1. Get a teaching degree.
2. Work overseas to pay for it. (I suppose 1 and 2 can be reversed, but I want to have some kind of opportunity to come home to or work in another genteel part of the world with.)
3. Teach, using …
I was going to say, “using weekends and summers and deferred salary” to further my education, but I’ve got to be realistic here. Some teachers can handle that (my uncle, in particular, juggles a zillion responsibilities and activities at once – I suspect it’s a trick of deciding what’s important combined with a knack for performing tasks efficiently) and some can’t. I’d like to think I can do it. It’s certainly possible. I guess I just have to decide that bettering myself is so important that I’m going to make it happen no matter what.
It’s something I need to have a good long think about. Like right now.
(Amusingly, UBC Education wants a provisional transcript from Sainte-Anne, even though I’m finishing in two weeks (although I wasn’t clear about that with Jennifer the admissions clerk). I’m still debating whether it’s worth the embarrassment of asking for one – it’d just make extra work for a lot of people. I’ll ask how long after the program the grades get released and make my decision then; if it’s more than one additional week, I guess I’d better send the provisional transcript.)
Okay, here’s what I’ve ‘decided:’
I will go to bed now; I’m crazy tired. I will apply for the internship tomorrow night. I still have a few days before the deadline. Even if I can’t take the job, applying is good practice. In the event that I am accepted to both the job and education at UBC, I will study education. There are lots of people I can talk to about the ins and outs of teaching; it might not even be for me.
And tomorrow morning, at 6:30am, I will do my homework. I will get through all this by focusing on the now. When I broke down and cried in front of that administrator, I wasn’t focusing on the now. I need to live in day-tight compartments. (They’re like the watertight compartments of some ocean-going vessels.)
À plus tard!
Tuesday, June 5th: (I ended up finishing my homework, watching the end of the hockey game, and sleeping in a bit in the morning. I feel a bit icky because I didn't have time to shower, and I left myself only seven minutes for breakfast! When will things slow down? But maybe they shouldn't slow down; keeping busy is probably the best way to stave off worry.) Ugh. C'est un temps difficile. Aujourd'hui n'est pas "mardi gras," c'est "mardi mince!"