William Matheson's Journal

11:24 am - Diversions

I've now uploaded the last of my PEI photos from this summer - you can see the sets at the bottom of this year's collection. I took everything with my newer SX10 IS camera - the image stabilization and 20x optical zoom are handy, to say the least. I could take good photos with the old A300, and I still carry it in my backpack for surprises, but it's much easier to take good photos with the new one. Much less sneaker-zooming, for starters.

My car's doing fine - I appreciate it more with the passage of time. Apparently I was lucky to get this particular car in such shape. Production numbers of my model dwindled every year until hitting a paltry 35,267 in 1997.

Last night I was clicking around and I was shocked to find videos! MotorWeek road tests the first V8 MN12 Cougars and Thunderbirds (introduced in 1991, they also test the next revisions in 1994). There are also a plethora of vintage ads - my favourite so far is this one from Mexico. There's definitely quite a bit of "Ha! As if!" humour in it.

Finally, if you love trash, do watch this classic. Sesame Street can just be so sublime with just a hint of twistedness sometimes. Then there's the well-known phenomenon of the Sesame Street dub, including this favorite with Ernie and Bert synced to "Ante Up". Try it with the lyrics!

Current Mood: hungry

01:09 pm - Flashback

I was up until 2 last night working on my physics assignment - it's not so much that it was hard, more that I had yet to solidify a lot of the concepts involved in the questions. I'm on my way to becoming a sixth-rate mathematician, but physics is helped along so greatly by an intuitive grasp of math, and this combined with the lightning speed of this particular session makes me feel like I'm only half-awake. Also, the classes are long. Ninety minutes of physics instruction per day is enough for me, thanks. When we're coming around to the 2 hour mark (out of three), I feel like getting up and leaving. Today I wasn't the only one - I think we were all a little spent after the assignment.

Today the teacher was talking about stupid math mistakes, like making sure that you multiply to undo division, as in how:

10 - 8 = (1/2)(v)^2

becomes:

2(10 - 8) = v^2
20 - 16 = v^2
4 = v^2
2 = v

and then he started laughing and asked the class, "Did anyone here go through CPA?"

I alone raise my hand half-heartedly.

"Anyone have Mr. Lyne?"

"Yes," I groaned. "I failed his class - I got a 16!"

He went on to talk about how Mr. Lyne had a coin jar that everybody paid into when they'd make a silly math mistake. The teacher joked that his own son probably singlehandedly funded the term-end pizza party.

You couldn't have said the same thing about me - I wasn't even doing the math, therefore I wasn't making mistakes. ;-) I was terrible - I started out relatively eager and OK, but suddenly things got away from me. It was a combination of my PEI elementary education, two years in a Seventh-Day Adventist school with abysmal math and science, and my own personal hatred of school borne from the daily strife and harassment I faced there - all that thrust upon a teenager is, in retrospect, a pretty good recipe for failure. Toss me in Mr. Lyne's no-nonsense, no-sailing math class, and I instantly crumbled. I ended up failing Math 10 three times with three different teachers: 16, 8, 25... and then the school gave me a "Trucker Math" 10 credit that I graduated with. I came back and got my Grade 11 and 12 Academic and I did pre-calculus this summer, but that year continues to haunt me. About the only pleasant thing I remember is Mr. Lyne's bread.

These days I know how to use my deficiencies to my advantage and make lemons out of lemonade, but in those days I didn't, and I wish someone had tried to show me - can't blame them, though, because I was busy pushing people away.

I was so throughly rejected by everyone that I started preemptively rejecting others - people would say hello to me in the corridors, and I'd coldly ignore them. I really became my own worst enemy, probably in order to avoid the pain of straight-up rejection, but ironically it brought much more pain than just accepting the inevitable rejections we all receive would have been.

I just can't believe how much I've learned this summer. Apparently, for me, the best way to learn about myself and about other people is to take a bunch of math and science courses!

* * *

It was good for me to admit my failure in Mr. Lyne's Grade 10 math to everyone, even though it was thirteen years ago. Earlier in today's class I think I ruffled some feathers when we were talking about how you have to use fundamental units when using Newton's laws to find an orbital radius, while with Kepler's 3rd law, you can use whatever you want, as it's just Radius^3 / Period^2 of your unknown object compared to known values Radius^3 / Period ^2 of another (such as Earth's, if you're talking about the Solar System). (Note that the Kepler shortcut only works in situations where we know the properties of one other orbiting body. Kepler described the situation, but it took Newton to explain it.) So I suggested that for Rearth, just write 1AU.

Since Rjupiter = Rearth (Pjupiter / Pearth)^(2/3)
12 years / 1 year = 12 [years cancel]
12^(2/3) = 5.24 * 1AU = 5.24AU = Rjupiter.

Isn't that fun? Quick and dirty, but over these distances, who really cares?

* * *

A buddy of mine dropped in here and asked me about my plans for the fall. A lot of people are asking me how long it will take me to get my B.Sc. I guess the B.Sc. is really just a signpost - it's just a symbol for an achievement, not the achievement itself. Accordingly, I'm not really fussed about when it comes. I really just want to be on track towards getting somewhere, and I don't really care where the road goes. For so long I was just going nowhere, save for temporal bliss in places like Poland and Sainte-Anne. (My buddy asked me if I'd take courses during the summers to speed things up on the science end. Perhaps, but I'll probably be trying to get more Explore bursaries if I can!) Now, now I'm going somewhere, and it's so mystifying to strangers that I really do have to say things like, "Well, I'm going to do astrophysics, because I always wanted to be a star!"

Current Mood: grateful

02:33 pm - Burninating

I totally rocked my math test this morning. I also had the rare experience of actually understanding and having a comfort level with everything that was presented in the second half of the class (after the test). I can do this! Never let yourself be told that you can't do math - if lazy and impatient people like me can do it, you can too!

So it's the same old story - out kicking butt and taking names. Better make some time to practise my duets or C. will kill me and it'll shake poor S. off her rhythm. I'm thinking a lot - the mornings are the hardest for me: my brain is groggy and slow and it leaves me with too much room to worry. The rest of the time is not so bad, though! Things make sense in a way that they never did before - my life is rich and vibrant and filled with possibilities in a way it never seemed to be before.

The troubles are these:

1) I have a hard time focusing on one thing - there is a Japanese proverb that says 多芸は無芸 (たげい は むげい - tagei wa mugei), "Too many accomplishments make no accomplishment." A book I have shows a picture of a guy playing four instruments at once while the townsfolk look on, wincing and covering their ears. A friend recently said to me, "You're so good at everything you try - I'm so jealous!" I'm clearly not good at humility, though - don't test me there. ;-) She also hasn't seen me bowl. (For what it's worth, I used to fake humility and that was worse. If you're lucky enough to be in a position to receive compliments, accept them graciously and with a smile!)

2) Despite my epiphany of last week, I sense that I'm yet putting some people off. Much like anybody else, I'm still learning the ropes - being a newcomer to the real game of life, I make plenty of mistakes, but I pick up on them on my own and learn from them on my own. I've got a tougher hide now, and I imagine people will call me insensitive (especially those who knew me before).

This is kind of a joke, though, because I never was a sensitive person, excepting as regards myself (and yes, it was as odious as it sounds - I thank my friends for having called me on it when the chips were down). I could / can be considerate, but trying extra hard to be a "gentle, caring soul" was a little ridiculous. I mean, I care - I just have a funny way of expressing it. I do a lot of things my own way, and I have far less shame about it - that's the basic way I roll, which may not suit everyone, though it's certainly a place to build from.

Still, it's a much better set of problems than what I had before! And I got a 93 in chemistry. WOOT

Current Mood: excited

10:52 pm - Arf Arf Clunk

Written this afternoon in Albion Cross

Sigh. I usually go to bed around 2:30, but because of the time change it was really 3:30 in practical terms. Church was this morning, and I managed to bump my head twice (once on a pew, once on a car doorframe [my head is still sore]) and I also jokingly albeit thoughtlessly stuck my foot out in the aisle to “trip” a poor kid who was walking blindfolded for a demonstration during Children’s Time. Sigh. I told the minister afterwards that inside me there’s a little boy who always wants to act out and that I should do a better job of subduing him.

Coming back here, I got mad and yelled at my Dad’s folks’ stupid, stupid dog. I hate it when she leaps up at what I’m carrying, especially my camera case or my laptop. I could have kicked that dumb mutt into next week, and only fear of retaliation prevented me from doing so. Only she isn’t a mutt – she’s apparently a retriever. I can’t abide her either way. She’s always bumping into me and jumping up at me with her jaw open. I suppose she has her redeeming qualities, and I’ll report back on this when I find some.

It’s snowing heavily. The weather lately has been frustrating. It’s too cold and slushy for walking or biking comfortably and safely, but it’s too mild for skiing. I’m really hoping for a cold snap after this snowfall. I really want to go skiing at least one more time while I’m here. I don’t skate ski, so I pretty much have to wait for a good snowfall and a good groomed track.

No slideshow today. I called Lea-Mac (a Radio Shack Source dealer) in Souris but they don’t have the S-video to RCA adaptor that I need for the TVs here in Albion Cross. I thought that one of the DVD / VCR combos (with RF and RCA outputs) would have S-video input, but both only had output. Bah, humbug! I mean, they have RCA input! Simmer. Gripe.

The adaptor is the simplest little thing – I had one in Japan but I left it with Chantal, along with 10m RCA cables for the same cross-room laptop-to-TV hookup that I’d had in my apartment. (I would have purchased a 10m S-video cable, but my television only took RCA anyway.) Funny thing, I might have wasted the whole thing on her – when I hooked it up for her, we only got a black-and-white picture. I think now that a pin might be bent, though at the time I tried to fiddle with settings on her computer. I’m fairly sure that wasn’t it at all, though. Since S-video (“s” means separate) carries the chroma and luminance information on separate pins, I’d bet on a failure with the chroma pin. I asked her about it a week ago but I haven’t heard from her. I think I should have poured down some asbestos on a communication wire before burning all my bridges from Seiko. =)

I still feel wronged by Seiko in some ways, but I’m also more keenly aware of my own pettiness, rudeness, and other shortcomings. It’s easy to say that I was working under a bunch of narcissistic morons, but I was the fool that went there without asking questions because I wanted things to be true that turned out not to be. I’m like a lot of people adrift in the sea of the skillless – too smart for religion, too dumb for science.

Speaking of which, I wonder how I’ll do this summer. I’ve added up the cost of the courses – luckily, it’ll all only cost about a tenth of what I have saved, so if it goes horribly awry and I can’t get past integrals and derivatives or whatever, I won’t be too much worse off. I also figured out that I’ll be better off getting transit tickets as opposed to a pass. The cost of a student pass is going up $10, from $54 to $64. That’s enough to make it better to get tickets for many – sure, they’re going up to $1.80 apiece (and will be available in books of 10 ($18) and 20 ($36)), but unless you’re going on round trips five days a week every week, you’re better off getting tickets. Getting the adult pass ($70) will be even harder to justify – even if you’re going on a round trip every weekday of the month (say, May ’09), that only gets you to $75.60 in ticket value. (July would be a good deal – it’s weekdays add up to $82.80.) Lessons: 1) Do the math. 2) Don’t spend your $5 savings in one shop. The convenience is worth a few bucks, though, I suppose. So really, tickets aren’t too shabby, especially now that it’s easier to transfer now than it used to be – short layovers are tolerated now, for instance.

For the record, I’m all for the fare increases as long as our current level of service is maintained (or even, dare I dream, enhanced).

Let’s hope!

10:57 pm - 89. Moving Ceremony

Oh, boy. I’m sitting on the floor in my apartment and I can’t bring myself to do anything right now. I feel like I’ve been chewed up and spat out, and in many ways I have been. Most of the people at my job only care about covering their asses, and the others care so much about their own advancement that it makes them bossy and difficult to work with (“Look, Mr. M., how I can whip these foreign teachers into shape!”).

It’s been a huge disillusionment. I never want to work in private education again. I don’t think I want to work in the public system either, though – although at least there you’d have union protection and get a little bit of protection from sudden whims and directives from the administrators. A private system could work if education is priority one, but here priority one is increasing enrollment and then pitching a case for higher salaries. Ye gads. There’s so much here that needs to be fixed before they should even think about going on a recruitment blitz. As things are right now, I wouldn’t send my children here if I had them, even if I would get a significant employee discount.

But you know, D. put it best the other day when he was asked to say a few words at the closing ceremony. (He returns to Canada on the 29th.) He said, choking back emotion, that S.G.’s greatest asset was its students. I couldn’t agree more. True enough, most of the students have the benefits of wealth and/or good breeding, but that doesn’t make each one any less special.

For those who don’t know D., let me add that the sight of D. becoming watery-eyed was deeply moving, and a tribute to the students as well as to his dedication to teaching. (My eyes might be watery when I leave too, but that’s because it’ll be raining when they decide they’ve had their fill of me.) Some people are very private about their emotions, and what they do choose to exhibit speaks volumes about the particular situation.

Generally speaking, I’m usually more charitably inclined towards my situation than I am at this moment. There was a long stretch of time through April and May during which I was confident and vital. Now I’m diffident and lifeless.

I’m re-reading Paul Lutus’ essay on symmetry, while paying special attention to the human implications. In the third section, he fittingly describes a common problem in large institutional systems (emphases supplied):

      On reading this essay, some may believe the Symmetry Principle, and its presence in nature, argues in favor of socialism. On the other hand, a dispassionate reading of recent human history shows, to be blunt, that socialism doesn't work. How can both be true?
      The answer to this question lies not in arguments for a strategy of coöperation and self-sacrifice with the expectation of reciprocity — that obviously works. What doesn't work is a system that tries to impose symmetry from above — a so-called "top-down" system. It turns out that symmetry only works between individuals — a "bottom-up" system. It doesn't matter how many transactions there are, nor how big the overall system is, it only matters that the essential logic be played out between individuals, each one acting on a reasonable expectation of reciprocity.
      To put this another way, symmetry doesn't "scale well". The consequences of symmetry scale just fine, indeed an entire society may be built out of many small coöperative transactions, but it's not possible to build a grand top-down social scheme out of the symmetry idea — at least, not one that works.
      Some insightful readers may see what appears to be a flaw in this argument — a system that works perfectly well between individuals should be able to work at a larger scale as well. To reply I need to explain the difference between bottom-up and top-down systems that rely on reciprocation.
      In a bottom-up example of symmetry, a favor either is, or is not, reciprocated — there is no ambiguity about it. Either the other person picks up his end of the log, or he doesn't. Either both oars are in the water and the boat moves in a straight line, or only one oar is in the water and the boat moves in a circle. No explanations, no excuse, no promises, coöperation either exists or it doesn't, in the most tangible physical sense. And, without sentiment or mercy, cheaters are either reformed or expelled.
      In top-down symmetry, because of the issue of distance and the number of players, symbols come to represent reality — language begins to stand for actions, and the time delay between sacrifice and reciprocation becomes longer. Once it is possible to replace actual coöperation with the symbolic kind, the same people who cannot meet their obligations in bottom-up symmetry naturally find their way to the highest rung of the top-down form, where they proceed to make the same promises they couldn't keep when they were at the bottom. The critical difference is that, once the narcissists have floated to the top, they get into a position to forever escape personal accountability for their inability to deliver on their promises. This explains the abnormally large percentage of narcissists in high social positions, as well as their reputation for ruthlessness and stupidity.

- Paul Lutus, The Symmetry Principle: Human Symmetry

Current Mood: hopeful

05:26 pm - Linux on USB + a drive in the country

I’m about ready to declare war on syslinux, a purportedly “easy-to-use” Linux bootloader that theoretically allows a Linux kernel to boot from a FAT partition, such as the kind commonly found on a USB key. That’s the idea; I’m trying to get a bootable Linux distro installed on my new 2GB USB key, a $24 Wal-Mart special. But there have been so many gotchas that I’m officially giving up.

For instance, the Windows version barks at me that there’s an invalid parameter. There isn’t; it just doesn’t like my USB key. The Linux version, which I’ve figured out how to install and run from my Ubuntu liveCD, says it only supports 512-byte sectors. Cue hair-pulling. I’ve spent the last two nights trying to place Debian, Ubuntu, and lastly Knoppix – all without success.

So right now I’m basically screwed unless I purchase one of the USB drives specified on pendrivelinux.com - they’ve been verified to work. A note on them; they do address a need, and loading a Linux distribution onto a USB key seems like a great idea until you find out that the implementation is painful, awkward, lousy, doesn’t address common gotchas, and isn’t completeable by command-line novices.

What we need is a slick Windows program with an easy GUI to do all the heavy-lifting. Ah, but anyone with the expertise necessary to create such a thing – gratuis! – also has the expertise necessary to do everything manually. Where’s the motivation? We need to start nagging the Linux distros directly; they have the motivation, and enabling people to easily use speedy, change-persistent USB-based distributions will facilitate huge migrations from Windows. Nobody wants to mess with their computers, and CD-ROMs are awkward and slow; if a Windows alternative is as easy as sticking a little dongle into the side of your laptop and turning the laptop on, who wouldn’t be interested?

Well, it’s not that easy just yet. But it’s getting there. I predict that by this time next year, it’ll be doable by a novice.

BTW, anyone ever hear of OS/X being booted from a USB? I would probably be trying to set up a Hackintosh just for the giggles (it’s possible, but painful) – but it won’t support my wireless card or take any advantage of my dual core processor (I’ve got Core Duo, not Core 2 Duo). It’s not worth it; the only OS/X program I really want is Final Cut Pro.

* * *

On Sunday afternoon, Grandma and I took a drive around the country. We stopped for coffee at the Inn at St. Peters: wow. We sat on the deck and enjoyed the breeze and the sun shining on the bay, and the receptionist who served us happened to have been just a few grades ahead of me at my old elementary school. We had also driven all the way around Cable Head, driving on red clay roads and seeing and hearing the whitecaps of the north shore. That’s summer, and it’s great fun – even (or especially) if your companion is your grandmother. =)

Current Mood: blah

11:31 pm - my first dongle + job? yes, job

My first accessory for this new machine is this:

PS2 controller to PC or MAC - USB adapter 2-PORTS NEW

Only one cent, plus eleven bucks shipping. What a joke. "NO PICKUPS NO EXCEPTIONS" Chortle. But it's something I want that would be tricky to find in stores. I have the PC version of Final Fantasy VII running quite smoothly; it would be pretty funny to be able to use a PlayStation controller for it. Oh, XP users who want to run Final Fantasy VII will need to install just the game, then install just the "movie player," then install this patch. There's a huge forum at qhimm.com that covers all kinds of issues and is a great up-to-date resource. It'll be the place to go for info on running FFVII under Vista.

I think I also have a shot at that camp job...

Z and C**** tell me that you are the man, the media man!! They tellme that I must hire you!! Alrighty then….but I do wantto talk to you..if I get a hold of you tonite (Friday) I wont be able to till Sunday or Monday……. Please letme know best times and what number to reach you at…… looking forward to it.

M**** R*****, Director

Boy, it'll be a tough one if I take it (and I'm planning to, bar disaster). It'll be almost nine solid weeks immersed in a high-octane environment from which there is no escape. It really will be like Canada World Youth, but slightly remunerative. BRB - the phone's ringing...

OK, so I've been officially offered the job. Oh boy. I think it'll be a lot of fun, but the salary is a little low-ball IMHO. I don't know, has anyone ever worked at a camp before? With spoiled rich kids? =) I have until Tuesday to decide. It'll probably be "yes," if only because I don't have anything else lined up yet.

On the plus side, they'd be happy to pick me up in NYC, so I could visit some relatives and see some sights before heading to camp.

On the minus side, there'll be no summer left after camp is over, and it'll be straight on into B.Ed. purgatory (or so I hope), unless I defer my acceptance.

What's this, you only get 24 years to be a kid?! =)

Time to make some phone calls.

Current Mood: anxious